Announcement, Updates

Excerpt: Fuck Mayonnaise – Chapter I: Rick James Says Fuck Your Burger


Everyone in The NikoVash Empire has gone silent for many a reason. That said, we are coming back in force, we have been working on a large number of projects for the underground, so we are releasing a sneak peak of one of them that is soon to release! A full chapter from the upcoming book “Fuck Mayonnaise”!


Thankfully I did not start my culinary career rehashing American diner food, as normally seems to be the case.  Actually I fell into this deranged world of cheffing around quite by accident, which I am sure is just saying something to the larger picture of failing vertically positive. Winter 2005 was an interesting time to be living in downtown Seattle; hookah lounges were all the rage and I was such a technician (as there was not a real term that described what we were doing). My close proximity to the flying fish market lead to a dull buzzing noise of never ending tourists and fish mongers, reading from some long forgotten script, so naturally I stayed meditated medicated. This dream was however short lived as we lost our downtown lease, probably because a rag tag group of degenerates in a prominent location in the downtown metropolis  was likely the talk largest talk of the health department and snarky business owners alike.  Eight months into this endeavor and  we transferred to a larger shop on Capital Hill, and soon after fired due to a single lackluster hipsters, as I had discovered he was banging underage girls in the VIP area after we were closed.

Before I could submit this evidence to the owners I was fired weeks before the city who was equally aware of this fact, raided and shut down said unnamed hookah lounge; forever tightening legislation for such places the city over.  That aside we did have a regular I had fallen in favor with, a short rotund gentlemen with an almost french accent who always had just ball-dropping-drop-dead-gorgeous women with him at all times; real Californian twelves. Turns out this gent, who we will call Fred, was the owner of a higher end Persian restaurant/nightclub in the Industrial district. Upon learning of my departure he hired me as his personal hookah tech at his restaurant, and occasionally as a bus boy when the heroin junkie he had hired for the job was on one of his famous reckless benders. We would sit around and smoke and drink well into early morning hours. For months I would follow a pattern of school, ‘work’, drinking, death, rinse, and then repeat. A month into this madness he realized I would largely bring in my own food to cook as I had full use of the kitchen as the Mexican head chef and I had bonded over the fact I could make actual Mexican food (a byproduct of my equally strange youth; a different book). One day Fred in a massive hangover of death asked me to make him something off menu as he was tired of eating Persian food all the time. It was a simple BLT of all the stuff I got from the market with the a few additions of focaccia bread and 25 year aged smoked white cheddar I had found at the market, and mashed potatoes, because I am a reckless asshole of refined tastes.  This motherfucker had been in America for over 40 years and had never once tried mashed potatoes, he was floored at this stunning revelation in culinary masterpieces… Starting that day he had the head chef train me to prep all the food from then on.

I am going to cut this part of the story short and say that over the next 6 years would be intense training to be a full caliber Persian chef, tons of fuckery and inappropriate situations that may or may not be divulged later in this book. Flash forward to New years 2010 Fred would sell the restaurant to a shifty group of Armenians who I have always assumed were into some mafia type happenings. The day after they acquired the restaurant they informed us all, the kitchen would go back to minimum wage if we had any desire to keep our jobs. It was a full mid shift walk out; truly an epic sight one must see once in their lifetime.  All the illegals and the lone white boy of the kitchen walked strait to  the bar all grabbed a bottle off the shelves and hit the front door.

A year or so goes by and Fred calls me to check up on me as he would over the next few years, and takes me out to some overpriced steak house.  As we were sitting there we talked about his retirement and how he actually did not even need the restaurant as he was well off  from being an aeronautics engineer for Boeing. The conversation switched over to my being a line cook at some greasy spoon back in Portland and hating every minute of it. When he asked me why I had to take a pause; the free alcohol, the less than legal nights of parties in the industrial district, the just obscene amount of debauchery that had been my life for the last six years had unintentionally shaped my vision for what I wanted work to be. In a brief moment of clarity, while yes, I did miss all those things, I had come to realize that so much of “Amreican” cooking was actually French, or Mexican, or Spanish or… etc. I liked the Persian style of cooking, and what I liked most was the lack of heavy saucing, which lead me to my professional outlook of just why the fuck do we slather mayonnaise on damn near everything. I rattled this off to him for the better part of an hour when he stopped me and asked, “…wait, so there are other people who hate mayonnaise, it so gross, WHY MUST IT BE ON EVERYTHING!!!”

In this moment I realized Fred would forever be my friend.

Time would press further on and I would find myself at a burger joint, making “high-end” gourmet burgers.  Dredged in mayonnaise, day after day after day, when somewhere between a brief moment of not being stoned out of my mind or not hungover (both would have surprised me really), I snapped. I asked the owner why we have to put mayonnaise on every fucking burger, as if it was the savior of the fucking sandwich world? Puzzled he looked at me and declared, “What else would you put on a burger, It’s the American way!”

This my friends was my breaking point. If you have never seen the movie “The Whole Nine Yards,” stop reading this go watch it right now, about 30 minutes into the damn thing Bruce Willis’s character goes off on how putting mayonnaise on a burger is the least American thing you should do and he could just murder anyone who does (paraphrasing here). Point is, what follows be my official declaration of war on the culinary world and their norms:

“Every red-blooded American knows that there are only two,
count them, fucking two,
condiments you are allowed on a burger.
Fucking Ketchup and fucking mustard, that is it!
Anything else is outside the norm and thus should not be attempted
in a mass market appealing restaurant.
Anyone who puts mayonnaise on a goddamn burger is basically
stating, and I am paraphrasing here;
Is that they are a goat fucking terrorist with no respect for
the humble cow or said burger from which it is made”!

This may have earned me a clock to the jaw, of which the ass-beating returned to him was epic. This spot still exists today and if you listen hard enough the kitchen still whispers of it behind his back.  I was offered two months pay in the form of cash to never return.

The highlight of that story was apparently when the owner asked me, “Who the fuck do you think you are, you little shit?!” my response apparently was “I’m Rick James BITCH!” Of which my good friend Zoey still holds this over my head to this day; as she puts it, “The only way that situation was going to end was either in tequila or my lawyers office… I achieved both FYI.


Keep it locked and loaded to see what we are going to be getting into the rest of this year!



Unpublished Article

BitCoin A Year In Review

Credit: SeanMacEntee
Credit: SeanMacEntee

So for those of you that do not know, I (and collectively The NikoVash Empire), are very BitCoin friendly. Part of that means we accept BitCoin as payment, but the other part is that we try to stay active in the overall BitCoin community… which in the case of last years crisis meant just following the news and story of BitCoin.  So let us kick back and go over the highlights of the last twelve months of BitCoin History!

March 31, 2015:

Overstock Invests $5 Million in Peernova in First Bitcoin Investment

This makes a lot of sense if you think about the nature of BitCoin, a decentralized currency for the internet and a popular internet retailer. This seems like the ham and cheese on white bread obvious choice right here and a damn good one at that.

March 30, 2015:

Former Feds Charged With Stealing Silk Road BitCoin

 In October 2013 the owner of the Silk Road 1.0 (I guess they are calling it now), was brought to justice after moving narcotics all around the world, via the Dark Net (Tor). So what is worse selling drugs or using the cover of being a federal agent to steal evidence and money from your employer (The Federal Government)? I don’t know but I am betting the BitCoin community was a bit relieved to be out of a negative spotlight from this one.

December 27, 2014

Russia Reconsidering BitCoin Ban In 2015

First they attack transgender, gay people, and then “quasi-money” as the kids are calling it these days… I think Putin needs to put the crack pipe down. And stop fucking with trans & gay people seriously this is 2015 not the Cold War

November 26, 2014

American Red Cross To Accept BitCoin Donations Through BitPay

See these are the kind of feel good stories a technology specialist likes to hear.  Far too often technologies like these get exploited because good natured people have no good natured use for them.  Good on you Red Cross, don’t fuck it up with a political scandal or racist remarks, please…

November 11th, 2014

Microsoft Now Accepts BitCoin Through BitPay

I grew up in a time when Microsoft was this big evil company bent on destruction of free markets, and operating systems, when the valiant opposition was Apple, inc.   WTF has happened here? It seems like BitPay is raking in the publicity here!

November 8th 2014

Silk Road 3 Is Already Up, But It’s Not The Future Of Darknet Drugs

The title says its not, but honestly you decentralized a currency why not decentralize the black market as well?  Worth the read, though keep in mind it is a Gizmodo article.

November 6th, 2014

Operator of Silk Road 2.0 Website Charged in Manhattan Federal Court

New coat of paint, same bat shit crazy idea that selling drugs online was a good idea… well here comes the backlash of BitCoin is evil… forgetting of course the #1 currency for trading in drugs is the US dollar.

November 3rd, 2014

Treasury To Seek Advice From BitCoin Community

In a well thought out fuck you to the American governments shitty handling of the BitCoin community the UK takes the lead in a fact finding mission in the cryptocurrencies possible future in Briton’s financial sector.

October 23, 2014

Japan Wants To Be The Most BitCoin Friendly Country

I can see it now someone will post a picture of a panty vending machine with the “We Accept BitCoin” Sticker. All kidding aside Japan, I am proud of you, even with the Mt. Gox bungle this really is a positive step… weird fetishes and all.

Septermber 29, 2014

BitCoin Bank ‘Circle’ Opens It’s Doors

The plot thickens…

September 9th, 2014

PayPal Supporting LiteCoin & DogeCoin, GoCoin CEO CONFIRMS

I was a little shocked this didn’t make bigger headlines because of PayPal’s initial hate as a “competing” technology and all the evil of SilkRoad… seriously this was the quietest role reversal in the tech world that no one seemed to give a shit about.

August 31st 2014

OpenBazaar Beta Tutorial

This was kind of cutesy and I haven’t heard much about it recently. THis is basically an eBay clone for BitCoin users. Less SilkRoad more family friendly.

August 30st 2014

Hal Finney, Cryptographer and Bitcoin Pioneer, Dies at 58 (NY Times)
Remembering Hal Finney: Bitcoin Pioneer With ALS

I remember reading this in the hospital after surgery, this brings a tear to my eye. Dafaq are people dying at 58 for what is this Iraq? Until the next life sir, may whatever afterlife you choose to believe in be filled with many hauexz, with no bikini tops.

July 1st, 2014

Newegg Is Now Accepting BitCoin

So now they can fuck you out of all kinds of currency.

June 3rd, 2014

Apple Reverses Anti-BitCoin App Policy and Allows Mobile Wallets Back in the App Store

We shall see how long this one lasts, I am sure this is not the last we have heard of this, and Apple’s newfound love of Draconian rules… when the fuck did you become Microsoft, Apple…

April 29, 2014

MasterCard Lobbying On Digital Currency BitCoin

If it was not for the vailidity and bullshit of the move I would not have posted this article.  The Hill is one giant cluster fuck of popup adds and auto-start videos. I really hope you have an AdTrap before you read that article.

March 25, 2014

IRS Virtual Currency Guidance : Virtual Currency Is Treated as Property for U.S. Federal Tax Purposes; General Rules for Property Transactions Apply

Leave it to the federal government to come up with an article title longer than it’s URL, but yeah worth a read, not really that shocking or surprising.

March 6, 2014 

The Face Behind Bitcoin

Newsweek claimed to find the man behind the BitCoin, I am going to be over here are assume they released this story to sell papers and not, you know, do some real journalism. Ok that might be a bit much…

There you have it a small sampling of stories from the last twelve months! THese are just the tip of the iceberg and if you would like some further reading or more in depth specific articles about the subject let me know over on my Facebook or Twitter feed.


~Kojack Vasquexz

Random, Updates

Quid Pro Quo

Credit: Augie Schwer
Credit: Augie Schwer

Many of you have been aware for the last few years that I sold myself to a company, jokes, two years ago I made a pro choice and partnered up with a random person from Portland, OR in trade fro my artistic ability for his business sense. This partnership has actually been one of the better deals I have made as if he cannot provide outright jobs, I get included on the billing, and cash no matter how it is sourced is welcomed.

Photo Credit: JD Hancock
Photo Credit: JD Hancock

It isn’t so one sided however often there are many services I provide that are dependent on a service being provided to me. In this case The NikoVash Empire launched its first company server this past Monday. It provides us a secure Bitcoin wallet, the ability to access portfolio work on the go, cloud service integration of which even this blog will be dependent on in the future.

This was a partner program I contributed a lot of the UX design work for the server/client applications, while Cisco Kidd provided all the backend work and hardware.

Photo Credit: Sean MacEntee
Photo Credit: Sean MacEntee

Now anywhere in the world all members and close friends of the NikoVash Empire have worldwide access to their work in the field so no more carting around hard copies of work on planes, trains and automobiles. This is literally what I have wished existed 15 years ago, I still have and hate my artist briefcase (no shit, I get charged extra at airports because it is oversized, but weighs practically nothing… fuckers). I digress this is the biggest news to come out of the NikoVash Empire, that will never be announced by the NikoVash Empire, because you know they do not have a site yet, lulz (entirely my fault, that is the quid to their pro quo).

In other news there is a viral video making the rounds that is being threatened to be taken down by Saban (yeah, fuck you buddy) the Power/Rangers fan film that has been making the rounds that I have watched about 10 times a day all week because I really do love the shit out it.  Anyway get a look before it gets removed from the internet!


~Kojack Vasquexz