Announcement, Updates

Excerpt: Fuck Mayonnaise – Chapter I: Rick James Says Fuck Your Burger

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Everyone in The NikoVash Empire has gone silent for many a reason. That said, we are coming back in force, we have been working on a large number of projects for the underground, so we are releasing a sneak peak of one of them that is soon to release! A full chapter from the upcoming book “Fuck Mayonnaise”!

~

Thankfully I did not start my culinary career rehashing American diner food, as normally seems to be the case.  Actually I fell into this deranged world of cheffing around quite by accident, which I am sure is just saying something to the larger picture of failing vertically positive. Winter 2005 was an interesting time to be living in downtown Seattle; hookah lounges were all the rage and I was such a technician (as there was not a real term that described what we were doing). My close proximity to the flying fish market lead to a dull buzzing noise of never ending tourists and fish mongers, reading from some long forgotten script, so naturally I stayed meditated medicated. This dream was however short lived as we lost our downtown lease, probably because a rag tag group of degenerates in a prominent location in the downtown metropolis  was likely the talk largest talk of the health department and snarky business owners alike.  Eight months into this endeavor and  we transferred to a larger shop on Capital Hill, and soon after fired due to a single lackluster hipsters, as I had discovered he was banging underage girls in the VIP area after we were closed.

Before I could submit this evidence to the owners I was fired weeks before the city who was equally aware of this fact, raided and shut down said unnamed hookah lounge; forever tightening legislation for such places the city over.  That aside we did have a regular I had fallen in favor with, a short rotund gentlemen with an almost french accent who always had just ball-dropping-drop-dead-gorgeous women with him at all times; real Californian twelves. Turns out this gent, who we will call Fred, was the owner of a higher end Persian restaurant/nightclub in the Industrial district. Upon learning of my departure he hired me as his personal hookah tech at his restaurant, and occasionally as a bus boy when the heroin junkie he had hired for the job was on one of his famous reckless benders. We would sit around and smoke and drink well into early morning hours. For months I would follow a pattern of school, ‘work’, drinking, death, rinse, and then repeat. A month into this madness he realized I would largely bring in my own food to cook as I had full use of the kitchen as the Mexican head chef and I had bonded over the fact I could make actual Mexican food (a byproduct of my equally strange youth; a different book). One day Fred in a massive hangover of death asked me to make him something off menu as he was tired of eating Persian food all the time. It was a simple BLT of all the stuff I got from the market with the a few additions of focaccia bread and 25 year aged smoked white cheddar I had found at the market, and mashed potatoes, because I am a reckless asshole of refined tastes.  This motherfucker had been in America for over 40 years and had never once tried mashed potatoes, he was floored at this stunning revelation in culinary masterpieces… Starting that day he had the head chef train me to prep all the food from then on.

I am going to cut this part of the story short and say that over the next 6 years would be intense training to be a full caliber Persian chef, tons of fuckery and inappropriate situations that may or may not be divulged later in this book. Flash forward to New years 2010 Fred would sell the restaurant to a shifty group of Armenians who I have always assumed were into some mafia type happenings. The day after they acquired the restaurant they informed us all, the kitchen would go back to minimum wage if we had any desire to keep our jobs. It was a full mid shift walk out; truly an epic sight one must see once in their lifetime.  All the illegals and the lone white boy of the kitchen walked strait to  the bar all grabbed a bottle off the shelves and hit the front door.

A year or so goes by and Fred calls me to check up on me as he would over the next few years, and takes me out to some overpriced steak house.  As we were sitting there we talked about his retirement and how he actually did not even need the restaurant as he was well off  from being an aeronautics engineer for Boeing. The conversation switched over to my being a line cook at some greasy spoon back in Portland and hating every minute of it. When he asked me why I had to take a pause; the free alcohol, the less than legal nights of parties in the industrial district, the just obscene amount of debauchery that had been my life for the last six years had unintentionally shaped my vision for what I wanted work to be. In a brief moment of clarity, while yes, I did miss all those things, I had come to realize that so much of “Amreican” cooking was actually French, or Mexican, or Spanish or… etc. I liked the Persian style of cooking, and what I liked most was the lack of heavy saucing, which lead me to my professional outlook of just why the fuck do we slather mayonnaise on damn near everything. I rattled this off to him for the better part of an hour when he stopped me and asked, “…wait, so there are other people who hate mayonnaise, it so gross, WHY MUST IT BE ON EVERYTHING!!!”

In this moment I realized Fred would forever be my friend.

Time would press further on and I would find myself at a burger joint, making “high-end” gourmet burgers.  Dredged in mayonnaise, day after day after day, when somewhere between a brief moment of not being stoned out of my mind or not hungover (both would have surprised me really), I snapped. I asked the owner why we have to put mayonnaise on every fucking burger, as if it was the savior of the fucking sandwich world? Puzzled he looked at me and declared, “What else would you put on a burger, It’s the American way!”

This my friends was my breaking point. If you have never seen the movie “The Whole Nine Yards,” stop reading this go watch it right now, about 30 minutes into the damn thing Bruce Willis’s character goes off on how putting mayonnaise on a burger is the least American thing you should do and he could just murder anyone who does (paraphrasing here). Point is, what follows be my official declaration of war on the culinary world and their norms:

“Every red-blooded American knows that there are only two,
count them, fucking two,
condiments you are allowed on a burger.
Fucking Ketchup and fucking mustard, that is it!
Anything else is outside the norm and thus should not be attempted
in a mass market appealing restaurant.
Anyone who puts mayonnaise on a goddamn burger is basically
stating, and I am paraphrasing here;
Is that they are a goat fucking terrorist with no respect for
the humble cow or said burger from which it is made”!

This may have earned me a clock to the jaw, of which the ass-beating returned to him was epic. This spot still exists today and if you listen hard enough the kitchen still whispers of it behind his back.  I was offered two months pay in the form of cash to never return.

The highlight of that story was apparently when the owner asked me, “Who the fuck do you think you are, you little shit?!” my response apparently was “I’m Rick James BITCH!” Of which my good friend Zoey still holds this over my head to this day; as she puts it, “The only way that situation was going to end was either in tequila or my lawyers office… I achieved both FYI.

~

Keep it locked and loaded to see what we are going to be getting into the rest of this year!

Courage,

~Kojack

Announcement, Updates

Social Death

Image Credit: Todd Barnard
Image Credit: Todd Barnard

Starting this month I will no longer be officially updating to Facebook anymore. Officially I never liked the platform, unofficially I’m too busy talking shit on Instagram & Snapchat to really give a damn about an out-of-date, non-relevant social media platform. In the 2ish years I have used it I have not even actually tried to accumulate followers or whatever, I would be suprised if I even have a single follower, subscriber or what the fuck ever Crackbook even calls them.

Do NOT care really, the adult entertainers, photographers, poker players and what not that I interact with are very happy on the platforms we talk shit on… you should get in on this!

Courage,

~Kojack Vasquexz

Announcement, Updates

Six Months Gone

Photo Credit: CBS Fan
Photo Credit: CBS Fan

I apologize for the massive delay between the last post and now there were a few things leading up to this predicament. First off, I have been on the move again, but on the flip side of this note, it looks like I will be returning home to Las Vegas in 2016! Okay now that the good news has been leveled you all know what time it is…

This site was not really but kinda hacked. Ok it was not really hacked, but a few users exploited the database and had a bit of fun, putting back R&D on the site about three months.  This was detected right away and the database was isolated, but at the expense of “user” table, The NikoVash Empire security team thought it would be better served to delete the user table to prevent that part of the database from being exploited. No credit card or payment information was ever gathered.

Cisco worked for about 6 months trying to resurrect this site, but to little avail, so we are starting from scratch yet again! only we at least got to keep existing posts. That said, I am changing the focus of this site from a multi purpose to mostly a portfolio site. All goods and services can now be purchased from NikoVash.com, well at least once Cisco gets out from behind the 8-ball and finishes the new 2.0 site.

Some more good news though, I have been working very close with Cisco & Decepticon in crafting medical marijuana edibles for a possible new product the NikoVash Empire might be selling by quarter 3 of 2016 you can read more about it in the coming months!

Outside of that I have been overly occupied, and it feels good to get back online, and I hope I can share tales of my travels with you all again! Until next time…

Courage,

~Kojack Vasquexz

Announcement, Updates

Stalled

Credit: Henry Shi
Credit: Henry Shi

Due to an immediate scramble of all NikoVash Empire members, there will be no update today, we will return Monday afternoon with our regularly scheduled nonsense and good times.
Have a great weekend, and do not do anything I would do.

Courage,

~Kojack Vasquexz

Updates

Return of The Mack

Credit: Ken Kirkel
Credit: Ken Kirkel

Aright so welcome back all I have return-ithed! To all those of you who have been puffing tough and holding out with us thank you from the bottom of my heart and cockles because its a fun word to say. I know I have not really updated the whole of March and I am sorry for that. Between health, contracts & NikoVash Empire stuff the last few months have just flown the fuck by, but now I have made my return and all can be right with the world again.

Let us start off with the bad… My health rapidly deteriorated last month so a lot of my travel needs and work contracts were put on hold, some kind of lung infection, its gone now but trust me people it was bad. Lung butter for all! I digress it really did a number on my ability to breath and basically made me just fuck off for basically an entire month. That said I still hold active contracts, and while yes, most of my clients completely understood about why their work was not getting done, that does not excuse me from ever having to complete the work.  So for the last few weeks I have returned to a large fucking pile of shit on my desk that I have been rushing to complete. I am almost caught up and that is why I have returned here, it can no longer come between us!

THE GOOD:

  • Regular updates will return! Now there is nothing to stop me from plastering this verbal assault all over your inner mind, and you love it.
  • There is a new big NikoVash Empire project! Cisco is finally back in the drivers seat working on his new book “Fuck
  • DeceptiCON and I are  going to be working on our own eBook soon, we are in talks about possible subjects.  What many of you may not know, is that I teach people my sweet skill sets of random ass shit already, so an eBook is really kind of a natural really.
  • It is a new month so look for the homepage getting updates! I have gotten a lot of positive love over putting up the Bruce Lee interview, and it may return again someday but starting April 1st, it is time for the Dookay! Say it with your index finger under your nose, DOOKAY!
  • I have taken to content writing as well for other blogs and whatnot so we are now entering a time of productivity all around!
  • If you haven’t checked out the store, we now have a free piece of software out now in Alpha (α) calledShow & Tell, it is free for all, you just have to have an account with this site!

As you can tell there is a lot of positive natured stuff happening around here, and I plan on just increasing that all the way around: New content, New pictures, New software, New videos, maybe even a podcast in the future… you just ever know! So as always hang in there as we delve into the mind of a whip wielding madman and see where all this pans out to! Until next time…

Courage,

~Kojack Vasquexz