Announcement, Updates

Excerpt: Fuck Mayonnaise – Chapter I: Rick James Says Fuck Your Burger

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Everyone in The NikoVash Empire has gone silent for many a reason. That said, we are coming back in force, we have been working on a large number of projects for the underground, so we are releasing a sneak peak of one of them that is soon to release! A full chapter from the upcoming book “Fuck Mayonnaise”!

~

Thankfully I did not start my culinary career rehashing American diner food, as normally seems to be the case.  Actually I fell into this deranged world of cheffing around quite by accident, which I am sure is just saying something to the larger picture of failing vertically positive. Winter 2005 was an interesting time to be living in downtown Seattle; hookah lounges were all the rage and I was such a technician (as there was not a real term that described what we were doing). My close proximity to the flying fish market lead to a dull buzzing noise of never ending tourists and fish mongers, reading from some long forgotten script, so naturally I stayed meditated medicated. This dream was however short lived as we lost our downtown lease, probably because a rag tag group of degenerates in a prominent location in the downtown metropolis  was likely the talk largest talk of the health department and snarky business owners alike.  Eight months into this endeavor and  we transferred to a larger shop on Capital Hill, and soon after fired due to a single lackluster hipsters, as I had discovered he was banging underage girls in the VIP area after we were closed.

Before I could submit this evidence to the owners I was fired weeks before the city who was equally aware of this fact, raided and shut down said unnamed hookah lounge; forever tightening legislation for such places the city over.  That aside we did have a regular I had fallen in favor with, a short rotund gentlemen with an almost french accent who always had just ball-dropping-drop-dead-gorgeous women with him at all times; real Californian twelves. Turns out this gent, who we will call Fred, was the owner of a higher end Persian restaurant/nightclub in the Industrial district. Upon learning of my departure he hired me as his personal hookah tech at his restaurant, and occasionally as a bus boy when the heroin junkie he had hired for the job was on one of his famous reckless benders. We would sit around and smoke and drink well into early morning hours. For months I would follow a pattern of school, ‘work’, drinking, death, rinse, and then repeat. A month into this madness he realized I would largely bring in my own food to cook as I had full use of the kitchen as the Mexican head chef and I had bonded over the fact I could make actual Mexican food (a byproduct of my equally strange youth; a different book). One day Fred in a massive hangover of death asked me to make him something off menu as he was tired of eating Persian food all the time. It was a simple BLT of all the stuff I got from the market with the a few additions of focaccia bread and 25 year aged smoked white cheddar I had found at the market, and mashed potatoes, because I am a reckless asshole of refined tastes.  This motherfucker had been in America for over 40 years and had never once tried mashed potatoes, he was floored at this stunning revelation in culinary masterpieces… Starting that day he had the head chef train me to prep all the food from then on.

I am going to cut this part of the story short and say that over the next 6 years would be intense training to be a full caliber Persian chef, tons of fuckery and inappropriate situations that may or may not be divulged later in this book. Flash forward to New years 2010 Fred would sell the restaurant to a shifty group of Armenians who I have always assumed were into some mafia type happenings. The day after they acquired the restaurant they informed us all, the kitchen would go back to minimum wage if we had any desire to keep our jobs. It was a full mid shift walk out; truly an epic sight one must see once in their lifetime.  All the illegals and the lone white boy of the kitchen walked strait to  the bar all grabbed a bottle off the shelves and hit the front door.

A year or so goes by and Fred calls me to check up on me as he would over the next few years, and takes me out to some overpriced steak house.  As we were sitting there we talked about his retirement and how he actually did not even need the restaurant as he was well off  from being an aeronautics engineer for Boeing. The conversation switched over to my being a line cook at some greasy spoon back in Portland and hating every minute of it. When he asked me why I had to take a pause; the free alcohol, the less than legal nights of parties in the industrial district, the just obscene amount of debauchery that had been my life for the last six years had unintentionally shaped my vision for what I wanted work to be. In a brief moment of clarity, while yes, I did miss all those things, I had come to realize that so much of “Amreican” cooking was actually French, or Mexican, or Spanish or… etc. I liked the Persian style of cooking, and what I liked most was the lack of heavy saucing, which lead me to my professional outlook of just why the fuck do we slather mayonnaise on damn near everything. I rattled this off to him for the better part of an hour when he stopped me and asked, “…wait, so there are other people who hate mayonnaise, it so gross, WHY MUST IT BE ON EVERYTHING!!!”

In this moment I realized Fred would forever be my friend.

Time would press further on and I would find myself at a burger joint, making “high-end” gourmet burgers.  Dredged in mayonnaise, day after day after day, when somewhere between a brief moment of not being stoned out of my mind or not hungover (both would have surprised me really), I snapped. I asked the owner why we have to put mayonnaise on every fucking burger, as if it was the savior of the fucking sandwich world? Puzzled he looked at me and declared, “What else would you put on a burger, It’s the American way!”

This my friends was my breaking point. If you have never seen the movie “The Whole Nine Yards,” stop reading this go watch it right now, about 30 minutes into the damn thing Bruce Willis’s character goes off on how putting mayonnaise on a burger is the least American thing you should do and he could just murder anyone who does (paraphrasing here). Point is, what follows be my official declaration of war on the culinary world and their norms:

“Every red-blooded American knows that there are only two,
count them, fucking two,
condiments you are allowed on a burger.
Fucking Ketchup and fucking mustard, that is it!
Anything else is outside the norm and thus should not be attempted
in a mass market appealing restaurant.
Anyone who puts mayonnaise on a goddamn burger is basically
stating, and I am paraphrasing here;
Is that they are a goat fucking terrorist with no respect for
the humble cow or said burger from which it is made”!

This may have earned me a clock to the jaw, of which the ass-beating returned to him was epic. This spot still exists today and if you listen hard enough the kitchen still whispers of it behind his back.  I was offered two months pay in the form of cash to never return.

The highlight of that story was apparently when the owner asked me, “Who the fuck do you think you are, you little shit?!” my response apparently was “I’m Rick James BITCH!” Of which my good friend Zoey still holds this over my head to this day; as she puts it, “The only way that situation was going to end was either in tequila or my lawyers office… I achieved both FYI.

~

Keep it locked and loaded to see what we are going to be getting into the rest of this year!

Courage,

~Kojack

Announcement, Updates

Social Death

Image Credit: Todd Barnard
Image Credit: Todd Barnard

Starting this month I will no longer be officially updating to Facebook anymore. Officially I never liked the platform, unofficially I’m too busy talking shit on Instagram & Snapchat to really give a damn about an out-of-date, non-relevant social media platform. In the 2ish years I have used it I have not even actually tried to accumulate followers or whatever, I would be suprised if I even have a single follower, subscriber or what the fuck ever Crackbook even calls them.

Do NOT care really, the adult entertainers, photographers, poker players and what not that I interact with are very happy on the platforms we talk shit on… you should get in on this!

Courage,

~Kojack Vasquexz

Announcement, Updates

Six Months Gone

Photo Credit: CBS Fan
Photo Credit: CBS Fan

I apologize for the massive delay between the last post and now there were a few things leading up to this predicament. First off, I have been on the move again, but on the flip side of this note, it looks like I will be returning home to Las Vegas in 2016! Okay now that the good news has been leveled you all know what time it is…

This site was not really but kinda hacked. Ok it was not really hacked, but a few users exploited the database and had a bit of fun, putting back R&D on the site about three months.  This was detected right away and the database was isolated, but at the expense of “user” table, The NikoVash Empire security team thought it would be better served to delete the user table to prevent that part of the database from being exploited. No credit card or payment information was ever gathered.

Cisco worked for about 6 months trying to resurrect this site, but to little avail, so we are starting from scratch yet again! only we at least got to keep existing posts. That said, I am changing the focus of this site from a multi purpose to mostly a portfolio site. All goods and services can now be purchased from NikoVash.com, well at least once Cisco gets out from behind the 8-ball and finishes the new 2.0 site.

Some more good news though, I have been working very close with Cisco & Decepticon in crafting medical marijuana edibles for a possible new product the NikoVash Empire might be selling by quarter 3 of 2016 you can read more about it in the coming months!

Outside of that I have been overly occupied, and it feels good to get back online, and I hope I can share tales of my travels with you all again! Until next time…

Courage,

~Kojack Vasquexz

Unpublished Article

Current Anime Top 10

Credit: The Conmunity Pop-Culture Geek
Credit: The Conmunity Pop-Culture Geek

This one goes out to a couple of people who I constantly talk anime over with! I see you out there! Honestly it is Monday and that is the worst day of the week, even to us the unemployed. I digress that is not the point here, today we talk anime because regular TV can in fact suck it sideways… We will go over my current top ten that I love, and maybe go over some legacy notes of mention!

10) Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood (鋼の錬金術師)

A massive improvement over the first anime series, that seemed really sad, slow and far more kid friendly. I get it people think anything animated is automatically children’s stuff… I am going to have to stop you right here, there is nothing children friendly about a story of two brothers who have to witness their mother dying, and in an ill found attempt to save her life with alchemy get both of their bodies ripped apart my a mysterious “Black Gate”. That was the premise of both story lines, so that isn’t much in the way of spoilers. Overall this is good to watch and watch again a few months later, the ending was not as gut wrenching as the first series, and obviously the two have different endings.  If you have not seen it I would say watch Brotherhood first, because 52 episodes of molasses slow story line needs a good pick-me-up first.

9) Sword Art Online season 1 & 2 (ソードアート・オンライン)

 This anime was a bit intriguing in concept, and the story was well thought out, although a little slow at times. The basic concept in the first season people are trapped inside of a virtual video game in which the only means of escape are beat the game or death.  Dying in the Virtual world means dying in the real world.  Though there is a lot of death in this series, it is probably the least graphic and gory on this list.

8) Soul Eater (ソウルイーター)

I am only going to cover the original anime and not the spin of series NOT Soul Eater (way to be real clever Bones…). Watch the trailer it explains it well, the reason I like this one was the story, and anime style.  THe story was actually really good, and not really gory for a show about children who turn into weapons and reap the souls of living things by cutting them open, or shooting them open… I digress it is overall really fun series to watch and there are a lot of good running gags to break up the serious story so as not to drag it completely dark.

Basically this is what high-school will be like in the afterlife #DealWithIt

7) Beelzebub (べるぜバブ)

You know for being an anime about the Demon Lords son, and eternal conflict for the demon in human form, there is not only not blood in this anime, but I am also pretty sure no one even dies in this series. Basically Oga (Ogre) is a typical juvenile delinquent always fighting and never losing to anyone, even if they happen to be 20 feet tall and one giant muscle. Who, because of his ridiculous strength, inherits the Beelzebub. Beelzebub is a green haired son of the Demon Lord (Satan), who sends his infant son to earth on a humorous whim to conquer earth.  this one is just chop full of weird and funny shit that you just have to watch, head over to Cruncyroll and stream this one … fuck their commercials though, they will kill the stream for no reason.

6) Shinchan (クレヨンしんちゃん Kureyon Shin-chan)

This anime is technically ongoing, however the American version is actually a bit better albeit cut short.  Here is the story; the show is from 1992 but a few years ago they re-edited it and gave the show an American dub.  Shin is a shit talking 5 year old who for no apparent reason loves raunchy puns, wagging his ass at people, and saying penis in the most inappropriate times possible. It is hinted he was just born this way, i digress there are only three seasons of the remade version, and you should watch every episode.

5) Death Note (デスノート)

These are pretty Self explanatory, so I am just going to say you must fucking watch the anime series, and then go out and rent the terrible live action movie.  They are all that good.

4) Speedgrapher (スピードグラファー Supīdo Gurafā)

Probably one of my all time favorite anime series, and though they did change the music at one point the title song used to be “Girls on Film”, yes that girls on film…

I digress… We Fallow the exploits of Tatsumi Saiga, a wartime photographer who is being held captive in Japan by a lack of passport, who stumbles on a secret fetish club that seems to be controlling the country. Mixed in with a lollicon side story, which gets a bit weird… there is death and super powers! All and all this weird anime series is worth a watch, and is probably time I dust it off the shelves, it turns 10 years old!

3) Deadman Wonderland (デッドマンワンダーランド)

A massive anomaly ravaged and destroyed most of Tokyo, sinking three-quarters of the city into the ocean. Ten years later, Ganta Igarashi, a seemingly ordinary student attending Nagano Prefecture’s middle school. As an escapee, a survivor of the great “earthquake“, Ganta has no memories of the tragedy and has lived a normal life. This all changes when a strange person covered in blood and crimson armor floats through his classroom windows. Grinning madly, the ‘Red Man’ massacres Ganta’s entire class but instead of killing him, embeds a red crystal shard in Ganta’s chest. Within days of the massacre, Ganta is subjected to a kangaroo court as a suspect and is sentenced to death at Deadman Wonderland, a massive theme park-like prison.

There is a lot of fuckedness about this anime, which is probably why I loved it, though admittedly I could have done without the showing of a massacre class of children. That is about the only negative I had with this series. Well that and all we will ever get are the 13 goddamn episodes that were released! The series lead animator/creator got pregnant and stated she would consider the possibility of returning in the future.  I am not holding my breath, but the series is worth a look for sure.

2) Future Diary (未来日記 Mirai Nikki)

First of all if you have seen Deadman Wonderland, prepare for that to look like a walk through the babies toys aisle… No seriously this series is so fucked up Im pretty sure it has been banned everywhere by every conservative. On that note I saw it on Hulu… But I digress.

A group of individuals are chose to be the new God of time, as the current one is dying, and should he die before a new one is chosen all of time and space will collapse in on itself.  In walks the start of this series Yukiteru “Yuki” Amano, who is a loner by trade who compulsively writes about everything he sees in his diary.  Soon his diary starts telling him things he has yet to see and as they start to come true is thrown into a game of winner takes God of time and space in a battle Royal to the death.

This is one of those series that is good on so many levels, and so fucked up just beneath the surface. Watch it and watch it now!

1) Parasyte (寄生獣)

I have not finished watching this series yet, but I will say that I was surprised there was a lot less gore than I thought there would be. The live action movie looks to be pretty tits whenever it decides to come to the states.

Wiki:

Parasyte centers on a 17-year-old teen named Shinichi Izumi, who lives with his mother and father in Tokyo. One night, worm-like creatures called Parasites appear on Earth, taking over the brains of human hosts by entering through their ears or noses. One Parasite attempts to crawl into Shinichi’s ear while he sleeps, but fails as Shinichi is wearing headphones, and enters his body by burrowing into his arm instead. In the Japanese version, it takes over his right hand and is named Migi (ミギー?), after the Japanese word for ‘right’; Tokyopop’s version, in which the images are flipped horizontally, has the Parasite take over Shinichi’s left hand and it is named Lefty.

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Thus concludes our first countdown list of some of my favorite anime series. While writing this I decided that maybe I should make this more of a periodic thing. I have seen an absolute shit load and frequently people ask me about a new series for them to explore, because as I stated “an absolute shitload of anime have I watched”.  If you have any questions or comments or would like some suggestions yourself head over to my Facebook or Twitter feeds. Until next time…

Courage,

~Kojack Vasquexz

Announcement, Updates

Stalled

Credit: Henry Shi
Credit: Henry Shi

Due to an immediate scramble of all NikoVash Empire members, there will be no update today, we will return Monday afternoon with our regularly scheduled nonsense and good times.
Have a great weekend, and do not do anything I would do.

Courage,

~Kojack Vasquexz